"I Am My Father's Child"

I'm going to be very vulnerable with you all. There are only 3 people in my life that know this, but God is convicting me to tell you, strangers, for the most part.. I don't know why, but He's pushing me to share with you guys.

Context:

I'm going through a lot right now. Just to name a few: post traumatic stress from a horrible relationship (depression/suicide involved), family economic problems, possibility of not graduating, my own state of loneliness/depression, etc.. All of this has created a very big burden, a load which I cannot even carry myself. I constantly find myself just lying on my bed bawling and wrestling with God as to why I'm going through this.

The Vision: (listening to "Sacred Grounds"- Jon Schmidt)

The song starts off with the sounds of nature and gentle piano composition..

There is a place where I am standing before God. It is only God and myself in a vast plain of absolutely nothing. Nothing else is important, nothing else is necessary. As I look at myself before God, I am neither happy nor excited. With both fists clenched, one by my side, and one raised to God, I am shouting and screaming and yelling. Although I cannot hear what is being said, I already know from the expression. I am pleading and yelling, "Why God?! Why did You put me through this?! Was it worth it?! All this pain and suffering I went through? WHY GOD!?!" I was furious and demanded an answer because it was not making sense. 

During this I kept telling myself, "Didn't I do everything that God asked me? From fleeing from my fleshly desires of a worldly relationship to being obedient and faithful once again to go on summer missions when I promised myself that I would not? I gave up my future which I had planned without God to make my life a God-centered life/future. yet nothing was changing for the better. Why am I only getting worse and the burden heavier?" 

The piano becomes a bit louder..

With all my hurt and pain I pause to just soak in this anger and confusion. With a broken heart I let out a sigh that expresses my feeling of helplessness. I see God lift His hand. Before me is a view of my entire life. I cannot see the whole thing but I know it is the story of my entire life from birth to death.

The piano gets to its loudest..

He points to a specific moment in that view of my life, and although it was not revealed to me in this vision, I know exactly what God is pointing at; the one moment in my life when everything I was going through and am going through right now was used for a specific purpose in God's perfect plan. He was showing me what all of this pain, all of these trials led to. He pointed as to say, "This, my child, don't you see, is why you needed to endure." 

I fall to my knees. I drop my head in complete shame. Tears are falling down my face and I am totally broken. I am crying out to God, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry God! Please, forgive me Father. I'm so sorry!"

The piano gets soft again and gentle..

I am on my knees with my face to the ground crying out to God. I take a deep breath. I wipe away my tears with my forearm. As I am just kneeling there before God in total shame, I feel warmth. I feel a touch. I open my eyes and I see God's arms wrapped around me. Then God says, "I have never left you, my child." 

The song concludes with sounds of nature.. 

I am with my Father who has never left me, but instead carried me through EVERYTHING. I am in my Father's arms who even though I could not understand, knew exactly what He was doing. I am loved by my Father whose will and plan is PERFECT and GOOD. 

I am my Father's Child...

-Edward Kim